Tag: humour
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The benefits of having a stalker
I remember the first comment. It said, “You’re a pity party, a predictable loser,” and I thought it was spam until more arrived. “Piece of shit!” “You think your writing is fantastic? Ha!” All from email addresses with my name, followed by something obscene. I had a stalker, and I didn’t understand why because I’m […]
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Fine old gentlemen
We’re a bunch of elitists discussing the subtleties and nuances of a Rembrandt—the rich browns and the gentle beiges—in a stylish lounge bar, sipping on Château Cheval Blanc. We then talk about Ezra Pound and Fascism. “I quite enjoy him. He’s an exotic, fragile thrill,” I say; my voice, flavoured with an exquisite, rich, deep-as-marrow […]
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Toad curry
I’m chef Frank Baudelaire of the three Michelin star restaurant Ambiance. Today I’m going to tell you a little about us and also guide you through the making of our world-famous dish, Toad curry. We started Ambiance in a little corner of Marseilles three years ago to give people an experience like none other. We […]
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The rejection letter
Dear Writer, I’m afraid we have decided to reject your manuscript because it doesn’t feature a strong female protagonist. The narrative was good until Sasha forgave the men who catcalled her. It then spiralled into some psychobabble about redemption and beauty. We are looking for a gruesome story about revenge. You must remember that the […]
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Well, if you’re really into unrequited love
Beloved, I’ve immortalised you in sonnet after sonnet, making you a blushing tulip in the gentle heat or a grey pearl that heals disease, but my lines meet oblivion. I wish you were the thrush that sat on my windowsill and pleased me with its aubade. I wish you were the Dandelion in my backyard […]
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Cockroaches and Jazz
I’m a synthetic cockroach who was manufactured in a lab in Syria after the Third World War. Born with an IQ of over 200, they sent me on different espionage missions to the United States of Europe, and I complied and sent them tons of data using my antennae, but Avant-Garde Jazz changed everything. I […]
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The trumpet’s lament
Today, after years ofservicing jazz musiciansand circus clowns, I call it quits,I’m rusty and feel like an old gigolowho has had enoughand wants someplacequiet and idyllicwhere unsatisfied wivesand moustached menwith pictures of Ted Bundyin their walletsdon’t harass him anymore,I need a beige shelfwhere I can contemplateon the mystery of music,where I can marvel athow I […]