This image shows a person lacking peace and in acute agony.

“Peace of mind for five minutes, that’s what I crave.” —Alanis Morissette

I’m not at peace with myself,

I told her, I’ve never been,

I don’t know what it is, but

even when I’ve accomplished

something, I’m disturbed,

not just empty but unsettled,

like something antithetical

to divine light, an unholy darkness

has me in its calloused palm,

there are moments

when the seven demons or

the madness or whatever it is,

releases me, and I find clarity,

a soothing lucidity when

carpe diem isn’t something

in the distance, like the brownstone

across the street, but a sympathetic

force that rearranges the contours

of my mind – transforming the

zigzagging patterns into

a symmetrical whole like

Elijah and Moses transfigured,

shining with the light of the sun.

Oh, how I wish for more

of those moments!

I don’t even know if writing helps,

sometimes peace rises like

the elect raptured from the

spaces between the lines

and consumes me, but sometimes

some cosmic horror snakes its

way through the syllables,

tears the fabric of reality

and blinds me with its

inky tendrils, making me relive

the years wasted,

I know you can’t help me, and I hate

burdening you with this,

but listen… please listen.

Photo by Žygimantas Dukauskas on Unsplash

17 responses to “Peace”

  1. I am listening….
    Nitin, this is so viscerally evocative. I guess we have all had such days but you have beautifully put in words that indescribable feeling.

  2. For me, writing definitely helps. If I don’t write for a while then I become very unsettled.
    Interestingly, if I don’t listen to music for a while, I become depressed.
    Life is a journey. I hope yours takes you to the inner peace you rightly deserve.

    • Yeah I totally get not writing for a while and getting unsettled. Having said that, sometimes writing brings back the pain and sometimes it alleviates it. Music is such an integral part of my life too. I listen to it all the time. I do it sometimes even when I write.

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Let’s hope they come true.

      • You’re welcome.
        That’s interesting. I need complete silence to write, except when I am writing for one specific character. Then I listen to ‘her’ music.

      • It’s interesting that you should say that because someone else here mentioned using a similar technique. Maybe I should create a perennially brooding Texan who listens to melancholy post-rock and talks about pessimism. But that would only be me with a southern drawl!

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