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The Normans

We founded the Taproom of Norm a few years ago after watching the television show ‘Cheers.’ The character Norm encouraged us because he represented the quintessential, lovable loser. But our beliefs have changed over the years because some Normans decided on a more hardcore, puritanical approach. At first, we were reluctant to add to our simple creeds, which state that the universe is a bar, and beer and a belly are all you need to move forward in this cruel world.

But the radicals decided we should dress like accountants, and we soon took to wearing a white shirt and black pants. We also started greeting each other as Norm. Then we introduced theology that would help draw more followers. Some were sceptical of this but gave in because no religion is concrete without an elaborate structure that justifies why it exists.

We decided that the first Norman ascended to Normhood after striving hard for the beer-and-belly life. He now looks down from a celestial bar and waits for men to enter his boozer after death. We then declared that we weren’t like patrons of other bars (whom we consider apostates). To become more than nominal Normans, one had to weigh at least 300 pounds. We were sick of all the pretty boys professing that they had it all and decided that the time spent in the bar, the number of peanuts eaten, the chubbiness, and a frustrated wife (or a Vera) determined normalcy (and Normancy). As Normans, we stopped striving for success and settled for beers and conversations with a moustached, good friend (or a Cliff).

We then decided that the second Norman became corrupt because he drank vodka instead of beer and became obsessed with his lean figure. And so, we purge our wickedness when we drink beer and grow fat. But we also recognize that the second Norman’s sacrilege was a necessary evil because growing a beer belly defeats conceit. If the second Norman had not drunk vodka, none of us would know how to battle vanity.

Finally, we’re a religion for men. It might confuse some, and others might call it chauvinism, but no woman can become a Norman because Norm was a man. What about transgender people? We’re working on that and plan on announcing a reform soon. Feminists have attacked us for calling our wives Veras, but honestly, we enforce nothing on our wives. We drink our beer, get fat and flit from job to job.

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