Toad curry

I’m chef Frank Baudelaire of the three Michelin star restaurant Ambiance. Today I’m going to tell you a little about us and also guide you through the making of our world-famous dish, Toad curry.

We started Ambiance in a little corner of Marseilles three years ago to give people an experience like none other. We wanted to provide them with exotic food that finds its roots in thought-provoking philosophy. However, we also wanted to create a raw, gritty atmosphere for our patrons to counterbalance the ‘food and thought experience’ with emotion.

The building that houses us is derelict. You’ll find cable wires sticking out, charred cushions and damp wallpaper. Our patrons sit on tree stumps. We do not give them forks and spoons to eat. There is something feral about eating with your hands. It takes us back to our ancestors who hunted animals and tore their meat out with their fingers. The restaurant’s oppressive aura makes our patrons reconnect with their forefathers. You’ll find some of our clients howling for food. It’s the atmosphere. It makes them dig into the collective consciousness and regress to a time when shrieks and monosyllabic yells were the only ways human beings communicated.

One of our mottoes is: “Food should make you think in the abstract. It should create in the mind’s eye surreal images and should provoke spontaneous change that leads to multiple trains of thought that run with a high velocity, like the prose of Jack Kerouac. Food should make you lust for the avant-garde with an unparagoned intensity.” To put this to practice, we play pieces by bands like Godspeed You! Black Emperor and The Aristocrats while our clients dig in. I won’t go into details, but there was a patron of ours named Todd Morrison, who painted abstract, expressionist pieces the day after he ate here. He’d never touched a paintbrush in his life before. Google him.

Finally, I want to talk to you about our Toad curry. Now, our Toad curry is unlike anything you’ve ever eaten. We merge molecular gastronomy with Indian and Afghan cuisine to create it. Sometimes our patrons have peak experiences and visions after eating it. It’s an otherworldly experience.

In the wilderness, we hunt for toads and bring them back alive. We then place them while they’re still kicking in a pot of water. We heat the water and gradually increase the temperature. The toad doesn’t feel the increase in temperature and gets accustomed to it before dying. We do this because it softens toad meat. It gives the dish its texture. We then drop the toad into liquid nitrogen, giving the dish its distinct crunchiness. We then smash the toad with a hammer on a cooking board until it looks like an abstract painting.

We take this painting and boil it, braise it, bone it, butterfly it, and blend it before coddling it, curing it, dressing it and deep-frying it. Then, finally, we deglaze it, grind it and infuse it with a secret sauce, and there you have it, Toad curry.

5 responses to “Toad curry”

  1. There should be one of these restaurants in every House of Parliament throughout the world. Oh – there already is? Reading the recipe I presume the curry is in the final sauce?

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